Each day, I seem to be a little bit sadder about Cruiser. I thought it was supposed to go the other way! I don’t even feel like riding, but I have been, anyway. One thing that really makes me feel better is working with Dante.
I mentioned how awful he was on Monday. Well, he was the opposite on Wednesday. I was so tickled with the improvement. After a generous turnout where he ran plenty (which didn’t help at all on Monday) I took him for a little walk. We started with the same routine that we did on Monday, and we had no issues whatsoever. I pushed the envelope by adding the loop—still good. He got plenty of praise and a few clicks, too. I then went back to the barn, passed it up and headed down the driveway. We stopped about 20 feet from the street and watched a few cars go by. He didn’t see bothered by them, but he didn’t want to stand still. I simply kept circling him around and stopping him when he was facing the street. It was all so uneventful. I brought him back to the barn, and he reminded me of Mingo—the way he carefully walked with his head about the height of my hip. He was extremely relaxed. I will push the envelope more this weekend.
I want him to be back to his old self by the time the river is low enough to cross. Ellen is very nervous about all this—it is her nature—so I am glad I am able to help her. She needs to see him behave with me. She is a very visual person, and if she can see it, she can process it.
Cole has been very good on his hill trips with Starry. I wish it wouldn’t rain so much! We haven’t crossed the river in over a week.
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I'm sorry that the sadness is increasing instead of decreasing. With Storm I had to make the decision to euthanize her and it was the first time I'd ever had to, so I was absolutely devastated and falling apart for days after she died. Then I just felt numb for a while. After the numbness I was sad again. At that point I finally started doing things to distract myself again instead of sitting around crying and it gradually got better. It's been almost five weeks now (wow time flies) and I can think of her with a smile (and tears in my eyes), but I don't cry as much. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep I'll cry, but it does get better. I'm glad you're still riding and focusing on the other boys. I imagine that helps a lot. In fact I think I started feeling better when I started focusing on Jackal again. For days after Storm died I wouldn't even look at or touch Jackal because I was afraid of being in that much pain again when he's gone, but then I realized what I was missing out on so I started spending a lot of time with him and started to feel better. Anyway, sorry to ramble on. I guess I'm still processing all of this too. If you need to talk, I'm here. :)
Judi I'm so very sorry about your loss of Cruiser. I think it sometimes takes a while for us to process that they really are gone, and then reality truly sets in and that's when it hurts the most. I've gone through this with both pets and people. It's incredibly painful because it's like you start grieving all over for them. It just takes time for the heart to heal. I'm so sorry. Cruiser was a great horse. I wish words could make it better.
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